Development Arrested

In 2006, “Arrested Development” was arrested and executed for good. Such is the fate of a show who commits the biggest crime in TV: dirt poor ratings. It can be said that “Arrested Development” has been lucky, for it has been notoriously guilty for its entire series run. Maybe there could’ve been hope if it became a rating-abiding show and whore’d it up to the masses. Well, maybe it would have if FOX actually exposed it more on the boob tube. I just find it weird that in the same year FOX arrests “Arrested Development,” “Prison Break” breaks out. Advice #1: name your show wisely. “Vanished,” I fear for you. I’d cancel myself if I were you.

But “Arrested Development” isn’t really dead. It’s alive in our hearts, in our memories, and in round thingies called DVDs or boxy thingies called DVD Box Sets. The point is the show is now a shape-shifting ghost, haunting us to laugh to death. So this brings us to Advice #2: be every afraid. I write to you as a victim who has been seduced by the show. Oh, I remember how “Arrested Development” and I met. I remember the night as clear as day. Oh wait, I remember the day as dark as night. The show is very tricky, you see. It doesn’t hook you in one episode. It dangerously plays coy. Then, after two or three episodes later, you become used to its laugh-a-minute humor and become addicted. Sniff, oh yes, I got high. I was floored when I hit the ceiling. I even went places where angels dare not tread. (Yes, you see wimpy angels when you’re high).

You’re probably saying “Being high? That’s your problem?” And I’d reply with a legit comeback: “Well, your breath stinks!” Advice #3: Do your part in reducing air pollution. Bad breath is not cool, even if it stops people from nose-picking. Anyway, I’m not complaining about being high. It’s the going down that sucks like a vacuum. Never attach yourself to a smart show with its clever gags and hilarious concepts. And don’t get me even started of the pitch-perfect cast. If it’s too good to be true, it probably is. Dumb shows rule; they make a whole lot of people feel smarter. Meanwhile, “Arrested Development” is responsible for bringing down the nation’s average SAT scores and most of the test takers didn’t even see the show. So in terms of looking for a TV soul mate, I present Advice #4: make a date with the old ones, especially the brave ones that have jumped a shark. They might not know hold up their limp “storylines,” but they’re filthy rich with ratings. Also, you can’t go wrong with the cool crowd. According to the majority, you can always find yourself in what’s popular.

Now, what will ever happen to a hopeless case like me? Without “Arrested Development,” where do I turn for laughs? Sure, I could face the mirror, but that’d be too sad to laugh at. I need an analyst. I need a therapist. I need an analrapist’s input… bad. For now, there’s only one thing I can do. That is to make a big production number on this entry. Do some major tap dancing infused with the panache of reverse psychology. I’ve done this entire act to hopefully hook you or get you interested to the best show I’ve seen last season. I want you to be high with me. Are you down with that?

At this point, you scoff and probably tell me: “Yeah whatever, man. You’re lame. I’m not even reading up to this part. I’m not even saying what I’m supposed to be saying. I’m –“

You stop. You thought I abruptly popped in a forget-me-now pill in your mouth. But you realize it’s a cool and minty tic-tac. I then grab you close and pull you towards me.

“Shut up.” I command in a calm voice. “Stop your ba-blah-blah. Buy, rent, or borrow them round thingies and watch the show. You’ll thank me when you get to comedy heaven. Don’t be safe, get arrested. Make the biggest little mistake of your life. And that, my friend, is the final and biggest advice I can give you today.”

Grade: A+

Jason Bateman, Portia de Rossi, Will Arnett, Michael Cera, Alia Shawkat, Tony hale, David Cross, Jeffrey Tambor, and Jessica WalterCreated by
Mitchell Hurwitz